Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Thoughts
I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to chill. I don't think that our friendship will exceed more than what it is. I know you say you love me and want to be with me, but I feel that either 1) you don't really feel and mean that or 2) you just won't follow your heart. Oh well. What can I do. I do miss my friend, but the feelings aren't the same anymore. I would like us to continue our friendship, but it's been tainted, so things won't be the same. Conversations and hellos will be a little more distant. There are certain things we can't talk about-like relationships and things of that nature. I just hope one day you find whatever it is you're looking for.

You ask...am I giving up? I don't know. I've just had more disappointments in my life than I feel I deserve, so I'm not going to set myself up for another one. The way I see it, if you want to be with me, then you'll find that out in your own respect. Right now, I don't feel that you want to. If you feel otherwise, then I'm sure you'll let me know that. Do I still love you? Sure I do, but what can I do about it. Nothing. The ball is still in your court. So instead of sitting by the computer tapping my fingers-waiting and wondering-I just need to go on about my life and see what happens. Whatever will be will be. I'm sure you'll let me know something when you figure it out. Just let me know what you want to do.

Prayer
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Thoughts
God please guide me for I know not what to do.
Grant me the serenity to know the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

I Had A Dream
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Before I Let Go: Blackstreet.
Topic: I Wonder
(4:24 AM)
Last night I had a dream. I was walking down the street and I wished for you. I called out for you, hoping you would come my way-though it was only hope because I knew it wouldn't happen. There you were-walking down the street-at that moment-with Romel (of all people). (You were both wearing blue camouflage outfits). I saw you and my eyes got huge. You saw me too and crossed the street to talk to me. It wasn't pleasant, of course.
I pleaded with you for us to talk. You were reluctant at first, then you went along with me. Romel wouldn't let you go by yourself, but you assured him it was okay. Strangely enough, though we were upset with each other, we were still holding hands as we walked.
I don't know if anything got resolved, but when I woke up this morning, I was so satisfied that you would at least talk to me and you held my hand. Then I realized something...my dreams usually mean the opposite of what happens in them. Come to think of it, there were a lot of things that happened in the dream that wouldn't happen in real life. I don't want this one to be true.

By the way, Anthony, you're the only one other than myself who has access to this, so don't worry-it's not public.

I Wonder
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Thoughts
I wonder if you feel how I feel. I wonder if you sit at the computer checking your e-mail hoping you have something from me like I do for you. I wonder if, when you see me signed on to Yahoo if you sit staring at the computer like I do hoping you would just say something rather than taunt me by being online, and at the same time wondering if I should say something.

I wonder if you hold the phone in your hand with your finger on the numbers like I do wondering if I should call, what I should say, and how you would respond (and if you would answer the phone at all. I wonder if you think about me like I think about you. I wonder if you miss me like I miss you. I wonder if you really love me like I love you. I wonder if this is killing you as much as it's killing me.

Endless confusion
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: I Wish
Kisses down my back, my body, the backside of my knee, my neck, my chest...mmm. Caresses all over my body, looks of love and passion in his eyes with all and complete intentions of love and exclusivity. I wish. That's all I want. Not all, but still, I wouldn't think it would be too much to ask. How I wish I could have that one day. Just unconditional, untainted love. I might as well let that go because life has taught me that that's only a dream. I yearn for someone's touch, smile, simple gaze to make me shudder. I had part of that once, for a brief - very brief - moment and I loved every moment of it. I loved him (and still do) more than I'll ever love anyone. I thought he loved me too, but like my mama always said..."That's what you get for thoughtin'". I guess so. I guess I'm stupid to ever think that I could have the life I so yearn for. Oh well, right. That's the answer to everything.

He was/is my best friend. I don't know what to say or do about anything dealing with that. It's been since last week that we've talked. He keeps ignoring me. I might have some idea why, but I'm confused as to why entirely. If anything I would think I should be the one ignoring him. He broke my heart, but as stupid as I think I am, I still love him and want to be with him more than anything. He doesn't understand how much I really do and there's no way I can make him. It's sad. Personally, I think that it's his family that keeps him from me. It's sad, but what can I do. I don't intend on coming between his family and him, and there's no way I can get him to trust and understand me. Much of me wants to just give up and try to live my life alone. But part of me can't let him go. I just can't. I love him too much. That part of me just wants to fight so hard to get him to understand, but is it worth fighting for? I shouldn't have to fight for anyone. If they want to be with me, it should be effortless. But it's not that simple. I've never held onto anyone in this such way. I don't know that we could even simply be friends: I can't stand to hear about another girl, etc. What's a friendship without communication-right? But I can't stand that we haven't talked for these past few days, let alone to be able to do it for the rest of my life. I don't want to give up, but something is telling me I should. Does he really love me? I wish I knew. I'm lost and confused and I hate feeling this way. Why do things have to be so fucking complicated!? I'm trying to give him his space, but it's hurting me.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I feel like I'd just be settling. I don't want my life to go down like that. I wish it were as easy for me as it is for him to just let go and move on. My pain and tears are endless. I don't know what to do. I just want to die or run away, but I can't do either, so I have to suffer dealing with it.